A not so perfect Easter

As most people know already Derek and I lost our baby boy, Dyson.

We went to the hospital on Easter Sunday and got devastating news, no heart beat. We had lost our baby to an unexplained event. How am I going to tell my family and son I thought to myself. I was in such shock, never did I think that was going to happen to me...again. But only this time was more painful. Going to the hospital was the easy part that day...I was comforting Derek, telling him we are only going for precaution knowing full well I hadn't felt any movement in a few days...I just thought Dyson was settling down before coming into this world. I mean I had Drayden at 29 weeks and he's perfectly healthy and then some. After the nurse couldn't find a heart beat, in came doctors with the portable ultrasound machines to see...something, anything that was a sign of life. Nothing. Instant tears came pouring even before they told us the news. We knew, we didn't need another ultrasound. Derek and I devastated by the news and trying to make sense of everything in this little room at the maternity ward. Nurses and doctors talking and telling us things that was just a blur. I had an ultrasound and check up just the week before and things looked great. Cervix was in "top shape" they said. We decided to come home that night to tell our parents the sad news and get ready for what was to come the next day.
Easter Monday was the saddest day of my life; delivering a baby at 31 weeks I knew I couldn't bring home. Going thru labor knowing there was a funeral to come. I just couldn't believe it. Why? It wasn't like Drayden...I knew the he would eventually come home, not this time. The hard part...waiting for labor to start so unnaturally. Nurses giving me doses of stuff to induce labor. Lucky for me I didn't need many doses and it didn't take as long as it usually does. Delivery was special in it's own little way...Derek still cut the umbilical cord and we got to meet Dyson. Born April 9th, 2012 at 20:58, 3lbs 1oz. I held him for a little while, touch his hands and feet. And all I could think of is ...You look like Daddy and your big brother! He was perfect. All his fingers and toes. Cute little nose and sweet little lips. He reminded me of Drayden when he was born, so small but long and a set of hair that was so angelic. A Priest came in and blessed him as per our wishes. It was beautiful. And then a nurse takes him away...that's it, just like that. He's gone. We left the next day to go home to Drayden our miracle child and a empty baby room we had almost finished putting together. Leaving the hospital not only empty handed this time but empty. Empty of all the feelings that you are supposed to feel when having a baby that we looked so forward to. They give you a box with feet and hand prints and a few little memorabilia items as well as a donated Teddy Bear with a note from another family who also lost their child to a similar "event". How more sad can that be...How do you explain to a 2 1/2 year old there's no baby coming anymore when we talked about him everyday to prepare him for a little brother. His old bed is for the new baby; teaching him that we have to share. Now we are teaching him that we have to share Dyson with God up in Heaven.
We are forever grateful with all the love and support that was given to us by family and friends at a time we needed it most. A funeral is already hard to deal with and for me there just something more sad when it's a baby, they're so helpless. It was a beautiful and intimate service something however I don't wish on anyone to have to deal with. We thank everyone that could be there for us including Father Bill.

Now it's just a matter of healing inside and out but also not giving up our quest for another child one day.


Lots of love and kisses from my family to yours.

Tanya xox